Saturday 9 February 2013

Why My Cat is a Hypocrite (But Doesn't Know It)

When Mouth was younger, he used to sit on top of the TV.

Sometimes he would swipe at the screen. He would swipe at the ball when we watched tennis or pool, but his favourite programmes were nature documentaries.

He loved it when there were fish, even though he probably didn't understand what a fish was.


One day, my boyfriend and I decided to buy a fish tank.

It seemed a good idea. My boyfriend had wanted to keep tropical fish for ages, and it would keep Mouth entertained. It would be like a permanent TV for cats.

We set the tank up in the living room, where Mouth could sit and watch it from the sofa.


But Mouth was unconvinced. There was a big thing with water in it, but he couldn't drink the water, and the water had floaty things in it. And Mouth could not float, so why did these things get to float? There was something suspicious going on.

Predictably, the Sideways Head of Confusion was unleashed.


Mouth soon realised that the Sideways Head of Confusion was not making the floaty things disappear, so he threw caution to the wind and gave the tank a tentative lick.


When he had finished making slurpy tongue marks on the glass, Mouth sat down and considered matters.

On the downside, the licking had not resulted in noms, nor had it got rid of the floaty things.

On the plus side, he was not dead, and the floaty things were quite cool.

Mouth decided they would be his friends.

Once he had decided this, he seemed much happier. He curled up on top of the tank and went to sleep on it.

He didn't know what these 'fish' things were, but he would not eat them. He would stick with his pouches instead. Yes.


Nowadays, Mouth and the fish are inseparable. They gaze adoringly into each other's eyes. When Mouth places an affectionate paw on the side of the tank, the fish swim up and bump the glass with their noses.

It's lucky his pouch food looks like sludge.

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