House of a Cat Lover

If you have cats, there is a fair chance your house is like this.

If it isn't yet, treat this as a warning speculative case study.

There is cat hair in everything

Food, cups of coffee, mascara, you name it.

There will come a time when you stop trying to fish the hairs out of your cuppa and learn to appreciate the added flavour.

Essence du rodent is an acquired taste.

There is cat hair on everything

If you have a black and white cat, it will expertly shed black hair on your white clothes and white hair on your black clothes.

Do not react with anger; this behaviour reveals genius tendencies.

Unfortunately, you are unlikely to convince your cat to use them to your advantage.

The loo seat is always down

Cats are drawn to toilet water like ducks to ponds. Except that the cats do not intend to swim in the water. They intend to drink it, bathe in it, then regurgitate it all over your kitchen floor. When your mother-in-law has come to visit.

In time, your toilet-seat-closing behaviour will become compulsive. "LEAVE THE SEAT DOWN!", you will bark at the nice lady from next door who only wanted to powder her nose. Your friends will start to think of you as a lavatory-obsessed fiend.

Ignore this; those who do not have cats will never understand.

Your sofas are clawed (like, a lot)

Initially, you will resist this.

"BAD KITTY!", you will admonish. You may even squirt your sofas with stuff that claims to discourage errant paws.

Enjoy the illusion of control while it lasts.

Before long, your sofa will be scratched to within an inch of its life, while the scratch post stands untouched beside it.

Be savvy. Buy cheap sofas.

Your cupboards contain more cat products than human ones

Stocks of cat litter, dry food, wet food, treats, supplements, flea powder, worming tablets and That Spray That Always Gets Cat Vomit Off The Lavender Carpet will be eternally replenished.

If you fancy a meal yourself, however, you may need to venture to the shops.

You will find yourself feeling grateful that "at least we have enough of the important things".

As your stomach rumbles.