Hide and squeak

Mouth and Tail are bad at hiding.

Actually, they are very good at hiding, but very bad at not getting found.

They usually hide when they have done a Naughty Thing (see Rules (4) and (6) of Cat Science).

I have caught them hiding behind the curtain...

...behind the laundry basket...

...and under the TV stand.

They are not very convincing.

But the one time they are convincing at hiding is when I need to take them to the vet.

It doesn't matter if I pretend we are going somewhere else. They KNOW.

And then they do this.

Cats from Silly Angles (warning: contains bottoms)

The Hovercraft
The Holy Grail of silly angles. Usually only glimpsed from beneath glass tables.

Kind of like a rare Pokemon card.

The Aerial View
The common-or-garden cat observation angle, yet rarely depicted. Makes it totally obvious if your cat is too fat (or too thin).

Just a teeny bit creepy.

From behind: the good
Ahhh, quite sweet really. Like a Christmas card or something.

From behind: the bad
Did we REALLY need to see that? I mean REALLY?

I dub it the 'disappearing starfish'.

From behind: the ugly
In public. You shameful animal.

Just ... just ... put it away.

Please.

Cat Science

Here are some of the laws of Cat Science.

(1) If there is a piece of paper in the middle of the floor, your cat will sit on it.

(2) If it was expensive and made for cats, your cat won't want it. (This is especially true if the packaging says something like "Your cat will love this!", "Satisfaction guaranteed!", "Best seller!" etc.)

(3) If it was free, your cat will want it.

(4) If there's a choice between lino and carpet, your cat will throw up on the carpet. And look oddly smug about this.

(5) If it's cat food, your cat won't eat it.

(6) If it's not cat food and your cat probably shouldn't eat it, your cat will eat it.

You are welcome.

Ode to a sparkly ball

Tail has a sparkly ball that she prizes above all things.

For Tail, all that is good and right in the world is summed up by this ball.

It isn't a special ball. It cost about 50p from a pet shop. But Tail loves it more than life itself.

When she is feeling particularly well disposed towards humankind, she will hide her ball in secret places for me to find.

Sometimes it is in her food bowl.

Sometimes it is in my shoe.

Sometimes, just sometimes, it is in my bed.

Tail will follow her sparkly ball anywhere.

If someone flicks her ball, everything else stops being important.

We tried to teach her to play fetch with it, but she becomes overwhelmed by her adoration of the ball and forgets we exist.

I wish I cared about anything as much as Tail cares about her sparkly ball.

2013: The year of the cat?

I am writing this blog because I promised myself I'd write more stuff this year.

I love writing stuff, but other stuff gets in the way. Like Mouth's mouth and Tail's tail, and the occasional flea.

My teacher once said wisely, "Write what you know." Well, I know that Mouth is self-conscious about his belly. And Tail will react like an exploding missile if another cat dares to enter the garden. And I know exactly how much cat food is left in the drawer.

This is hardly Shakespeare-level stuff.

I thought maybe if I read more, I'd get more ideas of what to write. I've just finished The Cat who Came in from the Cold by Deric Longden. It is the best thing I've read in ages.

Finishing it was a massive accomplishment.

Not because it's a difficult book, or even an especially long one, but because when I try to read, this is what happens:

Mouth does not understand reading.

I try to break it down for him. Paper. He understands paper. He likes to chew it.

Looking at things. Yes, he knows about looking at things. He can look at birds for hours.

But he still can't comprehend why I would want to look at paper for hours on end. I mean, it's not even like I nibble the edge of the page.

When I try to read, a large tabby bottom inserts itself decisively between the book and my face. Or, sometimes, an assertive paw intervenes before I can even open the cover.

I think I'll just have to stick with what I already know. Which isn't much.

Have cats, will blog

This is a blog about my cats. I will call them Mouth and Tail.

These are not their real names. But my cats are very particular about their private life, and they do not want to be recognised in the street. In any case, they would probably eat their fan mail.

Besides, national security might be compromised if I told you their names. I have long suspected Tail works for the secret service.

Here is an anatomically accurate* picture of Mouth and Tail:

The reason Tail is called Tail is because her tail is a thing of beauty and wonder. It is the pinnacle of tailness. It dwarfs skyscrapers. In fact, such is the greatness of her tail, we don't need a satellite dish.

Compared with Tail's tail, other tails are mere stumps.

The reason Mouth is called Mouth is less impressive. He has an odd habit of randomly licking things.

I caught him casually licking the wall once. Of course, he pretended he hadn't been licking the wall and started licking his paw. But I wasn't fooled.

He also licked the TV the other day. I wonder what TV tastes like.

Mouth's tongue is a formidable sight. It will lick anything. It has no regard for a thing's wish not to be licked. Mouth's mouth does not take no for an answer.

Mouth and Tail are three years old and live with me in my house.

They are both ridiculous animals. I hope you will enjoy their ridiculousness as much as I do.

*Well, nearly.